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USA TODAY
12/22/2000 - Updated 10:08 AM ET


Ted Turner to pay United Nations $34M to alleviate U.S. dues
Humans win great Pig War

Then eat their King


Inside: Elvis reveals Jackie O's Secret UFO Diet

Boy trapped in refrigerator eats foot.

Yellow snow may be poisonious?

OJ catches real killer then commits suicide
Network Solutions really run by seven-year-old!
Tree house conference put on hold till noogy tournement



TODAY'S BEST BETS



TOP NEWS


Rockettes!
Pup for Prez!

Dog gets 12 votes in Florida recount!! We're not shitting you! Honest to God.

Travel
10 great places ... 
To hide from St.Louis
city freaks at night.
CIA Relocation Plan 
Witness a crime and see the Fuji Islands.

Features
Gays in Military 
New Simply Fabulous War plans.
Princess Diana 
Still dead as a bloody door nail.
Soilent Green 
Made from People and tasty by products.

Books
Best-selling books 
Mono:
what you get when you snatch a kiss
Second best seller 
Sphyillis:
what you get when you kiss a sn--

Technology
Computer Hackers 
How Nerds try to impress women.
Cyber sex 
How to type with one hand.

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News (all bad of course)

Retarded Mother fails to choose Jif  
Peanut Butter giant pulls ads from syndicate show "Life goes on".
Lincoln raises from his tomb  
Takes belongings and moves back to his Gettysburgh Address.

Money

How to live on 8 bucks an hour?  
Clean living, prayer and a big fat Sugar Daddy
Monopoly money not real?  
Stop imagining that is. You're poor so deal with it. Be happy to be you!

Friggin Sports

Rams defense really Sucks  
Kurt Warner calls Pope for one more visit, just for luck
Did we mention the Rams defense really sucks?  
Mechanical players accidentally sent on "Play Bad" mode. Oooops!

Life

Madonna ain't a virgin!  
Shocked fans told to see a shrink.
Chris Reeve can walk! 
Biggest Hollywood hoax ends with Reeve dancing in "All that Jazz"

Weather

Real Fucking Cold!! 
You gotta be a crack addict to even think about stepping outside. Jesus Christ!.  


American Killed in Iran!


Home fires

Source: USA TODAY
Vaction Faux Pas
Governments really hate it when
you openly protest against them.